It has been a long time since I blogged. Sorry about that. Life has been in a perpetual state of movement and sitting and jotting down some thoughts has taken the back burner to simply living them.
This brings me to the need to sit down today and write a few words. A few words that may move you, but also may mean nothing. I’m going to take the gamble that they will, however.
Recently, I was seen. I mean seen in a way that differs from running into friends, or sitting with patients. I, Elisha, was personally seen. I rubbed up against my dreams and got to settle in with a hot cup of tea. I got to let the walls fall and stand there in the sun and feel like I was seen for exactly who I am. Witnessed. Loved simply for existing.
Do you know what I mean?
It was a feeling that felt like being wrapped up in blankets of love. Like being bathed in bubbles. Like spinning in circles and never getting dizzy.
It was a space that erased all fear. It was a space that made me actually believe my dreams can come true. It was a space that filled all space. It was full of music and yet totally silent except for breath.
All this is to say that it was as close to perfection as perfection allows.
Can you remember a time you were seen? Can you remember how full you felt? How met? How full of possibility? Can you remember the feeling of not being alone so purely that it rocked your core?
And yes, I know, we all work at not feeling alone…but I bet all of us struggle with that if not daily, then more frequently than not (if we are being honest.)
Well, yesterday…that feeling of being met that filled my soul so completely…disappeared. Just instantly, there was nothing to push against. It went from this feeling of fullness, to this feeling of emptiness. It was like letting the air out of an air mattress. First it’s a queen size bed that’s comfortable to sleep on, and now you can just walk on it like it’s part of the floor.
And the wind was knocked from my sail. I fell into old patterns of compulsion, self worthlessness, fear, and worst all…I lost that feeling of trust that has taken me decades to hone.
So why am I writing this? Just to share that I am human and the waves of reality wash through me too? Maybe. Or maybe it’s because that feeling of being Seen is something we save to share with another. And we don’t count it as real until it is verifiably being sent back by another. When there is proof that it’s real.
But maybe, just maybe there is a button inside of ourselves we can reach down and find which allows the energy we save to share with another to float around us every moment just because we are human, because we exist. Because life is challenging at times, hard at others, and also so overwhelmingly joyous it can feel heart breaking in its beauty…that maybe if we could feel seen, witnessed, even by ourselves–then skating through all of that would just be….easier?
And I don’t know about you…but I love easier. I don’t always chose it first…but I’m learning.
So today I breathe. I chant. I move. And I see myself filling up with the sunshine, and the green of the trees, and the music that moves me. And I leave space for the mystery to flow in my life in ways that only wind can blow, that only the sun can find, that only the grace that I allow can show me.